We're Off to See the Whizzinator
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We're Off to See the Whizzinator
Compiled by John Ryan
Wednesday, May 18 2005
Dennis Catalano, creator of the Whizzinator, didn't leak anything Tuesday.
He and two other owners of companies in the drug-test-evasion business took the Fifth Amendment when appearing before Congress. Catalano, of course, gained recent (and perhaps unwanted) fame with last week's disclosure that Vikings running back Onterrio Smith was caught with the device, featuring a jockstrap and a prosthetic penis that stores clean urine.
Rep. Joe Barton, R-Texas, was...uh...ticked. He promised that investigators would follow through on their subpeonas for documents from the businesses.
(Heh-heh: he said subpeonas.)
"We will get the facts. Just understand that," the chairman of the House Energy and Commerce Committee told the executives.
Taking care of business
Smith wasn't called to testify. Yet he wasn't at Vikings practice, either. After showing up for the first day of a developmental camp, he missed the second day for what the team called "personal reasons." The Vikings wouldn't say whether his absence was related to his arrest.
Wherever he was, we're pretty sure he was looking out for No. 1.
Sunday, May 22, 2005
The Minnesota Vikings' Onterrio Smith gets caught in an embarrassing situation.
Just when you think things can't get any crazier in the sports world, along comes Onterrio Smith strolling through the Minneapolis-St. Paul International Airport.
When authorities checked the luggage of the Minnesota Vikings running back recently, they uncovered a strange-looking device. They confiscated the device and investigated further.
News leaked out shortly thereafter that the device Smith was carting is a "Whizzinator," a fake male organ that dispenses a mixture of dehydrated urine and water. Apparently, this device is a state-of-the-art way to beat drug tests.
Now Smith told authorities it was his cousin's.
All I can say is, "gee whiz."
After hearing about this I had to investigate further.
The Whizzinator is the brainchild of Dennis Catalano, owner of Puck Technology in Signal Hill, Calif.
The Whizzinator has its own Web site, too. It sells for $150, includes packets of dehydrated urine, a jock strap and heating pad to keep the urine warm before dispensing. And best yet -- it comes in five colors!
This isn't your grandfather's Whizzinator, where one-size-fits-all. No, sir.
Catalano bills the Whizzinator on its Web site as "Undetectable! Foolproof! Re-Usable!" It's even designed "to be comfortably worn as an undergarment for extended periods of time."
Now, Catalano should send a hefty check to Onterrio Smith because he's getting more national exposure (no pun intended, honest) out of the recent discovery than he could ever hope for.
Then last week Catalano took the national stage when he appeared on Capitol Hill to discuss his "drug-test subversion device" with members of Congress.
Does anyone see anything odd in that?
Our country is at war, our economy is sluggish, education funding and health care are in need of reform, but let's pause for today and discuss the merits and dangers of The Whizzinator!
Adding some humor, a Washington Post article reported that U.S. Rep. Bart Stupak of Michigan unwittingly asked while holding up a copy of The Whizzinator product, "How do we stop the flow?"
Stupak was talking about the distribution of the product, but his statement brought several chuckles in the room.
The jokes keep flowing in, as well.
Now, I suppose we should take all of this seriously and look at the ramifications of devices such as The Whizzinator. Sports athletes might use it to beat drug tests, as will people in mainstream America.
In fact, a long list of testimonials on the Web site indicates this is exactly the case.
A woman even wrote in saying SHE successfully used the product.
I can't understand this one, however.
"I have to test while being observed, and not only is it undetectable, but I passed with flying colors. This product is amazing! Thanks again!" -- Robin B. Virginia.
I can't figure out how this can go undetected, unless of course people aren't forced to drop their drawers when producing a sample. Those supervisors have a difficult and unenviable job. "Ah, excuse me sir, what do you have in there?"
Smith is becoming a poster boy of sorts for this product. On another Web site, Smith's jersey with his No. 32 on it is being sold with the name "Whizzinator" on the back. Get it now. The offer is for a limited time only.
Now I suppose The Whizzinator is simply filling a market niche and might even make a fine Christmas gift.
But here's the question: where does this all stop?
Hopefully, not until medical technology uncovers a better alternative to the catheter.
© 2005 Saginaw News. Used with permission